It is better to receive than give. Sounds backwards,
but for our parents it is more beneficial if we begin to help them de-clutter
their home. So this year, instead of giving mom a mother’s day present, have
her gift one of her special treasures to you. Old picture albums have more
meaning when she can tell you a story, which in turn, you can share with your
children. Additionally, so many items in mom’s attic are now back in style.
Think retro, i.e. clothes, kitchen items, and toys.
Mother’s Day was first celebrated in 1908 when Anna
Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in Grafton, West Virginia. She was
successful in making it a recognized holiday in 1914, but was disappointed that
by the 1920’s, it was becoming commercialized. What would she think today?
Mothers are very special people, so as Sunday
approaches, think about what you can do for your mother or with your mother;
not what you can give your mother. Chances are she has all the picture frames and
flower vases she needs. So why not sit down with her and give her a
well-deserved cup of tea and tell her you love her.
Below is an article written by DAVID J. EKERDT,
lead researcher in downsizing and relocating in later life at University of Kansas.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Beth
Adults
with older parents or even grandparents will soon be searching for suitable
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day gifts. If these presents are not consumables — a
box of chocolates or a bottle of spirits — then they will only enlarge the
material convoy that accompanies Mom and Dad through their later years.
Older
people want our love and affection, but they probably don’t need more stuff. A
2010 survey of Americans 60 and older found that 60 percent agreed they
had “more things than you need.” Fully 75 percent said that the thought of
dealing with their things made them somewhat or very reluctant to think about
moving.
So
why pile on more? Instead, I suggest that you help whittle things down by
making yourself available to receive some belongings your elders would like to
offload. It’s a myth that older people
cling to their possessions. Of course they cherish certain things, but most
homes hold uncounted thousands of objects, only some of them special. My
studies of household downsizing in Kansas City and Detroit reveal
that seniors feel almost universal relief at having lightened the load.
Transfers
of possessions from older to younger family members normally require some
occasion, such as a wedding or graduation, lest the gesture, coming out of the
blue, be viewed with alarm. (“You’re giving me the antique table? You’re not
planning on dying, are you?”) And the younger generation’s readiness to embrace
what’s on offer — the crystal, the matched floor lamps, the baseball card
collection — cannot be assumed.
But
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day afford the perfect occasions for the unqualified
reception of stuff. You can approach this a few different ways. For example,
write this in a Mother’s Day card:
Mom, you have said so often
that you don’t want me to give you one more thing because you already have too
many things. So this year I am taking you at your word. I will make a
contribution to your favorite charity and then, when you are ready, I will be happy
to take any of your things that you would like to unload.
Or
you can suggest belongings she might give you. Lest anyone accuse you of
stripping the shelves, propose things that live deep in the recesses of the
home: vacation videos, excess flowerpots, sporting goods or long-ignored books.
Stuff in the basement, the attic, the closets, the shed, the garage.
Ask
for photo albums now, while elders can still tell you who all those people are.
Suggest nothing that, like the tufted family rocking chair, will set off World
War III among your siblings. In fact, siblings can organize themselves to
receive things as a group, thereby forestalling the charge of having taken
unfair advantage.
Another
technique: Wrap an empty box as a present, with a note inside that says, “Fill
me, please.” The gift will initially seem puzzling, but this becomes your
chance to explain your intentions. And if the box is eventually filled and
passed back to you, empty it and begin the cycle again. The transfers might become
a habit.
If
you try this for Mother’s Day, your father will almost certainly ask whether
you are going to pull the same thing next month. “For you, especially,” would
be a good reply.
When the jewelry, random houseplants,
random hand tools and back issues of National Geographic come, you can archive, curate, sell,
donate or re-gift them. All you need at the moment of exchange is a smile and
the promise that you know “just the right place” for these things. Leave it at
that.
The looking-glass nature of
human connection means that receiving is giving, that taking things is a
gesture of generosity. Honor your mother and father by welcoming their things
no matter what, and then welcoming yet more.
